The days and nights from the evening of the 6th until bedtime on Eva’s Birthday (11th) found my brian working overtime processing the events of three years ago. I thought that it would get better with each successive year and it did but it was still hard.
The dates and times of the labour of Eva 3 years ago were still at the forefront of my mind all week.
In the quiet moments I reflected on what stage of labour I was in, who had visited me, which room I was in. I reflected on the fact that I was so nervous about the baby’s survival that I didn’t want to name her Eva in case my favourite name was given to a child who didn’t make it.
I hope that next year I can enjoy more of her birthday joy instead of feeling anxious the whole day about how awful her birth day was for me. And guilty for what a hard journey she endured for being born so early.
I have learnt from my counselling that although I am grateful for the good outcome from the birth of Eva I can allow myself to be disappointed and saddened by her entry into the world.
I was blessed to have a very supportive husband who understood my anxiety and helped out in lots of ways including lots of hugs for me and being the fun parent for Eva. Our plan is for Andrew to always be at home for the children’s birthday to make it a special day for them. I look forward to spending that day with joy in my heart next year.
Being the parent of a premature baby doesn’t end at the discharge from hospital or the achievement of developmental goals it is always going to be part of my mothering.
There’s so much to look forward to in parenting Eva this coming year that I know that her next birthday will bring me more joy.